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How to teach impulse control in early childhood

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Hitting, reactionary throwing, screaming, temper tantrums, running into the street, not paying attention and not thinking about the consequences of actions can all be signs of impatience, lack of self-control and social incompetence (maybe even ADHD). But, for four and five year olds, are we to expect these behaviours? The answer here can be complicated, and situational. Nonetheless, it is still important for us, as caregivers, to know how to teach impulse control in early childhood.

Impulse control is an essential part of human functioning. Being able to wait, delay reactions and ‘fit in’ to social circumstances without affecting others, or putting ourselves in danger, is crucial to success in life.

But, without training, it may not come naturally to us. This is why we all need a little help with impulse control skills. And, the earlier we learn these skills, the better.

Here are some ways to do just that:

Set clear limits with children, and stick to them, to teach self-disciplining behaviours

Children can certainly be the epitome of impulsive. But, barring extenuating circumstances (like learning disabilities), they are also trainable, and they pick up new concepts easily. The hard part is setting reasonable boundaries with children, and being consistent about them.

The other hard part is for us, as adults, to not be impulsive in our reactions to typical kid-behaviours. The thing is, when kids do the, ‘not thinking’ thing, they may truly not know what they are doing. They haven’t yet developed their ability to use past experiences to make judgements about new decisions. And, their brain has not developed that far yet.

So, as parents, caregivers and early childhood educators, we need to go about this differently. We can teach kids about what we do and don’t do, model it ourselves, and then – even by natural instinct, if not with words too – teach them about self-disciplining behaviours.

We also have to repeat ourselves a lot. Don’t expect kids to obey all the rules on the first warning. No hitting, no throwing rocks at kids, no running on the street, not talking while someone is talking to you, listening – these all take practice. But, without clear consequences and consistent limits set in place, they can be even harder to implement in a child’s mindset.

Here are some ideas to set limits, though these will depend on a family’s own choices:

  • Limiting screen time to a certain number of minutes per day.
  • Not allowing certain types of snacks at certain times (but not depriving children of food they need, of course).
  • Withholding rewards for not cleaning up toys, a bedroom or taking plates to the sink after dinner. Or any other age-appropriate reason.
  • Requiring children to sit at the table during meals, and to have ‘family time.’ TV dinners can be reserved for special occasions.
  • Saying “no” to a healthy degree, in general, for things that kids want, but don’t need, to teach thankfulness for what we have.
  • Sticking to a schedule, like going to preschool, even if a child ‘feels’ like staying home that day (and even if you know it’s technically possible).

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Try goal-setting activities with children, so they learn about delayed gratification

You know you feel fantastic when your kid throws a temper tantrum in a grocery store because you decided not to buy the sugar-laden cereal with an action figure on its box. This also has to do with setting clear limits, as mentioned above. But, when it comes to treats and things we want but don’t need, we can use situations like this to teach kids about goal-setting for delayed gratification.

For example, kids can have a star chart, where they collect stars, or stickers, for good behaviour. It can also be for age-appropriate chores. Or, they can collect coins, so you can teach them money management in conjunction with this lesson.

Whatever the case may be, kids – even at a young age – can learn what it’s like to wait for something they really want, and to work for it – even if it’s small and seemingly insignificant (it’s not!).

Think about it: our whole success can be dependent on this idea that we set goals, work towards them every day, and then reap the rewards at the end. That can be with exercise and eating healthy, enduring the rigours of exams and studies to earn a degree, or with saving money to buy something ‘big’ (like a car or house).

If kids learn how to do this with the small things, they can learn it for the big things later in life, too.

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Explain feelings to children and use teachable moments to practice emotional regulation

It’s no small thing to be able to label our emotions – even as adults. Our heart may be racing and our palms may be sweaty, or we can feel tense all over. We are going to burst! But why? What is it called? What triggered it?

For a child, overwhelming bodily reactions like this can be hard to pinpoint or stop. A kid just took their toy, so they get this unpleasant sensation, and the way they let it out by crying, pushing, name calling, screaming, running away, throwing objects, or otherwise do something socially unacceptable.

What do we do in that moment, as adults?

We could look at a kid in annoyance and think: ‘why are you acting like this? It’s no big deal.’

But it is a big deal. To them, it is.

Now, if we can help them name their emotions, and model naming our own emotions, they (and we) can better manage them. Identifying our emotions also allows for better communication about our how we’re feeling to others.

For example: if a child knows what “sad” feels like, they can say, “I feel sad.” They can explain themselves.

The same goes for, “I’m tired,” “I’m confused” or “I’m scared” or “I’m frustrated.”

When we know what their feelings are, we can show them that we can relate to them, and that we empathize with them. We can also give them solutions to help with those feelings, like taking deep breaths, laying down for a bit, or asking for a hug.

When we drop a bowl of pasta on the floor, we can also practice saying, out loud, ‘Oh no! I’m so frustrated I just lost all the pasta we were going to eat for dinner. I’ll just take a few big breaths and it will be ok. We can make some more.’ Let them see you not exploding, so they learn how to control their impulses, too.

These are emotional regulation coping skills. They bring us back down to ‘calm.’ When we teach children in early childhood about them, we can help to prevent impulsive, explosive behaviours. Or, at least, we can minimize them.

See related on our blog:

Get good exercise and outdoor exposure to release energy throughout the day

Children and adults alike need to exercise to release energy. Children probably need a lot more. This is why it feels like they’re ‘bouncing off walls’ sometimes. Or why they run in the house, or get rowdy. They need to be active. It’s human to do so.

Exercise, of course, helps us with emotional regulation. If kids are expected to sit still all day, or are cooped up inside, you can expect that their energy will be ‘pent up’ inside, and need to be released at some point. You just don’t want that moment to be when they’re tired and cranky before bed, and certainly not when  they’re extra bored running adult errands with you (like at the grocery store).

So, in practicality, impulse control also involves taking time every day to get physical exercise with kids.

See related on our blog:

Let kids be bored from time to time, so they get used to downtime activities and strategies

Downtime is not a bad thing. It does a lot for our thinking processes. For children, learning how to be bored, or do quiet activities, is essential. Their life can’t be all fun and games and excitement, since that’s not what growing up will be like.

When children practice not being excited, they learn how to stay calm and be bored in a healthy way. They learn new strategies for dealing with thoughts too. In fact, teaching kids to slow down, talk to themselves, or use story-telling imagination during this time, is a great skill.

Being bored can show kids that if something is not happening right this minute, even though they want it to, it’s ok! They can wait, and can distract themselves with something else. Then, they can put that concept to use when standing in line, or waiting for dinner to be served, or waiting their turn to talk.

See related on our blog:

Play impulse control games in early childhood, but remember not to squash spontaneity

Before we tell you to encourage kids to play games with rules, we want to be clear that unstructured play is still very advantageous for children. The key is balance, like most things in life!

Games like Simon Says, or Go Go Stop, or even organized sports, can be great ways to learn how to stop oneself. Board games and games where kids take turns can also do this. The idea is to teach kids how to wait, and think, before acting on a feeling or impulse.

Apparently, even memory games have been shown to help impulsivity and temptation. Go figure.

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Use social norms to teach kids about acceptable group behaviours – daycare and preschool can help!

We humans are social creatures, who like to be accepted by a group. With little ones, you can teach impulse control by exposing them to more people and thus, more social norms. Plural settings like those in daycare, preschool, Sunday School at church, birthday parties, play dates, sleepovers and so on can all show children that – for one – they are not the center of attention.

Then, in so many ways, group settings can show them that they need to stop, think, and wait before acting on a sudden, urgent sense to say or do something. It can disturb others to do so, and others will show it – either by verbal or non-verbal cues. Hence, you get automatic lessons on impulse control!

Think of a class sitting together in circle time at preschool. If everyone starts talking at will, instead of listening to the teacher, nothing gets done. The teacher will give a stern look, and a ‘shhhhh’ motion. And by this, the kids can learn that there are social rewards to sitting still and being a participant.

In another example, kids can learn to take turns to play with a toy or do an activity. Maybe they really wanted to do a craft, but they are assigned to the sensory station first. They have to wait, and be nice about it.

If the kids act impulsively, or recklessly, they won’t make friends very well, either.

These are all ways of showing kids the benefits of maintaining self control, so they are incentivized to ‘hold back’ a little.

See related on our blog:

Still worried about your toddler or preschooler’s impulse control? Ask a professional for help

Are all of our tips above supposed to work 100% of the time, without fail? Of course not! Some kids will have calmer temperaments than others. And some kids are just going to want to be the funny one, or the attention seeker. Some kids will be sensitive to stimuli, and others won’t be as much. This is personality, and it’s ok!

Mostly in this article we’re talking about the normal, everyday impulse control habits that we all benefit from learning to do.

But sometimes, a child’s case can be more serious. If you think that, despite trying all the above pointers, your child truly struggles with impulsivity, we would certainly encourage you to seek the help of a professional. Talk to your doctor, therapist or parenting coach about the possibility of ADHD, other issues that can be affecting patience, outlandish behaviours, or lack of understanding consequences.

Sometimes, a teacher who spends the day with a child in a group setting can spot abnormalities easier than when a child is at home with parents, since parents may be ‘inside the bubble’ and assume their child is behaving as per usual. But no one gets their assumptions right all the time, and teachers are not medical professionals. However, there is no harm in asking a doctor, if an adult in your child’s life is concerned about these behaviours.

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